loneliness

Pastor, You’re Not Alone

Tim Spencer
April 1, 2026

There are many times in my ministry life when I’ve felt completely alone. My own journal entries from times of struggle reflect this sentiment. To illustrate this, read these excerpts from my reflection on an earlier time in my ministry call:

My extreme busy-ness has often crowded out self-reflection—we’ve worked so hard these last few years that I may have lost sight of my own personal spiritual health. New building construction, family life, church and community expectations, and cultural shifts have simply pushed me to the breaking point.

I needed deeper connections but, perhaps out of an irrational fear, I have not taken the opportunity to build deep personal roots with other people or church members. That’s on me. I’ve been too selfish and self-focused during my time at First Church, usually to the detriment of Suzy and the kids. Maybe this has been a survival and self-preservation instinct, but that doesn’t justify it.

I remain greatly influenced by my upbringing in Germantown. I am disillusioned with materialism and maintaining a “perfect” presentation all the time. I’ve listened too much to critical voices, both inside my mind and inside the church. I’ve allowed legalistic and paternalistic thinking to invade my spiritual walk. Frankly, I feel trapped in a world of my own making.

To be clear, we allow ourselves to feel this way. I allowed myself to wallow in the muck of my own depression and major on the minor imperfections of an otherwise wonderful life. But there’s something to be said for the psychological and spiritual strain that picture-perfect ministry expectations can produce in our fragile human minds and bodies.

In his 2025 Disruptive Church Trends Report, Carey Nieuwhof outlines the growing mental health crisis affecting American church leaders. As recently as 2023, about a third of all pastors have given serious thought to quitting full-time ministry. And just 19% of pastors have a peer network of other pastors they can lean on for support. Worse still, only 7% of church leaders under the age of 45 say they’re flourishing. These statistics are not good.

All of this resonates with the bigger cultural conversation we’ve having about the loneliness epidemic, anti-socialization tendencies and increasing isolation felt by a growing number of Americans. A recent survey by the Harvard School of Education reports that 21% percent of adults have had “serious feelings of loneliness.” Among people ages 18-29 the rate was 24% and among those ages 30-44 the rate was 29%.

Being a pastor can feel like the loneliest job (and calling) in the world. Part of that feeling is the nature of vocational or bi-vocational ministry service—giving freely of yourself to advance the church and help others, sometimes at great personal cost.

It’s true that finding friends and confidantes in ministry can be difficult. Pastors often feel they’re in an isolated place when the reality is something different. We don’t share with other church members because we worry they won’t understand or because we’re concerned with confidentiality. Often, we just don’t want to be vulnerable with someone else.

One of the great ministry lessons I’ve learned is just how essential it is to find relational relief valves with people both inside and outside the church ministry bubble. I am so thankful to have found those godly people in my current walk. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel alone quite so much anymore.

But for those in the throes of difficult church assignments, hardened hearts and minds, financial hardship, and general isolation, loneliness is a real thing.

As a church leader, what can you do to fight isolation? Beyond godly counseling and a total reliance on the Lord for every step you take, let me offer some starting points that stand the test of time over three decades of ministry service:

Seek the Lord. Among church leaders, processing and coping with ministry stress begins with a regular quiet time and active meditation on the Word. Practice daily reliance on the Lord.
“For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.” – Proverbs 2:6 (NIV)
Find a Friend. Church leaders need friendships and confidences that provide the relational relief valves described above. Combat isolation with godly, grace-filled relationships.
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” – Proverbs 17:17 (NIV)
Network with other Pastors. When you have a robust support network with other church leaders you know that you’re not alone. Seek out training events, associational activities, ministry development conferences and regular interaction with other pastors to build your network and offer support to others.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV)
Secure a Mentor-Coach. Ongoing personal and leadership growth requires accountability and an action plan with measurable goals. Don’t minimize the significant role a mentor or coach can play in both your private life and public ministry.
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” – Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)

So what’s the Big Idea?

Recharge your soul and fight the isolation you feel with intentional steps to seek the Lord, build deep relational connections, establish peer support networks with other pastors, and secure a mentor-coach for accountability.

Resources

Pastor Support Network – Mentoring, Counseling, Assistance and Other Support
PastorServe – Soul Care, Coaching, Consulting, Crisis Support and Marriage Enrichment
MentalHealth.Bible – Pastor Care Resources
Recharge: A Ministry Action Plan to Revitalize Your Church from MinistryActionPlans.com
The Loneliness Epidemic by Susan Mettes
“Loneliness in America: Just the Tip of the Iceberg” PDF by Milena Batanova, Richard Weissbourd and Joseph McIntyre
“5 Disruptive Church Trends That Will Rule 2025” by Carey Nieuwhof
“Are You a Self-Aware Leader?” on Big Ideas Blog
“From Self-Reliance to God-Reliance” on Big Ideas Blog
“Dechurched America” on Big Ideas Blog

Sources

“5 Disruptive Church Trends That Will Rule 2025” by Carey Nieuwhof (Carey Nieuwhof Communications, 2025) 13-15.

“What Is Causing Our Epidemic of Loneliness and How Can We Fix It?” by Elizabeth M. Ross, Harvard Graduate School of Education (October 25, 2024), https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/24/10/what-causing-our-epidemic-loneliness-and-how-can-we-fix-it.

Dechurched America

Tim Spencer
March 1, 2025

Have you thought lately about the people you used to see at church? They may be folks who came regularly prior to COVID-19 and the resulting closures. They could be people who spent most of their time around the edges of church life—the ones who may not have fully committed to the cause of Christ.

Even now, you may be thinking about someone specific, or even more telling, someone who’s currently in danger of joining the growing ranks of those who used to go to church.

That topic is fully discussed in The Great Dechurching by Jim Davis and Michael Graham. Their research describes the 40 million Americans who’ve left the church in the last 25 years: dechurched people that represent 16% of the adult population. Perhaps the most significant consequence of this seismic shift are its effects on subsequent generations.

What will the absence of faith, spiritual growth and meaningful church relationships mean for them? For a broad range of personal, relational, sociological and moral outcomes, it can’t be good.

The research in The Great Dechurching offers some very Big Ideas for churches:

Moving — When churchgoers move to a new city, they are removed from their previous rhythm of church attendance, relationships and accountability. It’s no surprise that many fall away and never find their way into a new church.
Discipleship — Shallow and nonexistent disciple making structures are the single most important explanation for American dechurching. Meaningful membership and a robust discipleship process are essential in twenty-first century churches.
Relationships — Everyone needs deep relationships for their emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing. More than a club you join, church is a family with heartfelt connections and deeper than surface-level conversation.

Discipleship matters. A startling observation about the dechurched is the strong tendency for people to decouple from a local church when they move to a new city. This speaks to the habits and rhythm we establish in our lives, but more importantly, it tells us we haven’t discipled folks carefully enough to establish sustainable Christ-centered, missional maturity in their lives.

Our Great Commission mandate is to make disciples, which translates to clarity in our disciple-making process and the church’s primary role as an incubator for personal spiritual growth. When our churches fail on this point, we invariably leave many people in a vulnerable state, susceptible to a degraded culture and worldly decoys that pull them away from God and His church.

Relationships and biblical community matter almost as much. That means loving, caring, sharing and listening. So many dechurched people have experienced some form of relationship trauma, often unforced and unintentional, and usually the result of the broader cultural trend of less social interaction. Incidentally, this coincides with a general diminishing of relational intelligence and soft skills both inside and outside the church.

What’s our best response to this grim assessment of our current reality? We should reengage the people around us with our full relational attention, armed with the gospel and God’s loving embrace of those who are lost and adrift. Graham and Davis say that: “Some people need a nudge, others need a dinner table, and others need years of patient and prayerful, consistent movement into their lives.”

In other words, dechurched people need our time, our patience, our prayer and our devoted attention to forming real relationships and deeper connections.

Among people ages 18-29 the rate was 24% and among those ages 30-44 the rate was 29%. According to the survey, a leading cause of loneliness was “no religious or spiritual life” and “too much focus on one’s own feelings, and the changing nature of work” by around 50% of those surveyed.

So what’s the Big Idea?

A strong discipleship process and healthy, biblical community are what vibrant churches do to engage Christ-centered people and help them grow spiritually. And it’s the very thing that keeps churchgoers from joining the growing ranks of those who used to go to church.

Resources

The Great Dechurching by Jim Davis and Michael Graham
The Unsaved Christian by Dean Inserra
Replicate — Discipleship Consulting, Coaching and Resources
The Loneliness Epidemic by Susan Mettes
“In U.S., Decline of Christianity Continues at Rapid Pace” by Pew Research Center
“2020 PRRI Census of American Religion” by Public Religion Research Institute
“The American Church Faces Its Kodak Moment” on Big Ideas Blog
The Great Dechurching Discussion Guide
“Loneliness in America: Just the Tip of the Iceberg” PDF by Milena Batanova, Richard Weissbourd and Joseph McIntyre

Sources

Jim Davis and Michael Graham, The Great Dechurching: Who’s Leaving, Why Are They Going, and What Will It Take to Bring Them Back? (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2023), 50.

Pastor, You’re Not Alone

Dechurched America

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